I was in front of the TV
After surgery, I was trapped for days. I could hardly move. My mind was a cloudy mess. Any serious thinking was out of the question. As I mentioned last week, I couldn’t even read for a bit.
But you know what I could do as long as I was awake? I could watch TV. And watch it, I did, folks, watch it I did. I started at the hospital and I didn’t stop… ever. Every hour staring mindlessly at those pretty moving pictures was a blessing that made me wonder how people survived open heart surgery before there were streaming services…. Anyway, the shows and movies I decided to wile away my hours with may make you think some thoughts about me… that can’t be helped.
So without any further ado…
Here is as complete a list as I could come up with, separated into movie and tv groups and alphabetized for ease of inspection. I also added single sentence reviews and the home of the show or movie if you’re interested…. And, if you’re interested in learning more about what I think of various television shows, check out Teachers Talking TV, the podcast I do with two of my friends and colleague. It’s awesome.
Movies
47 Meters Down: Uncaged — Shark movies scar me, especially this one. I know what I wrote. Amazon Prime
American Pie: Girl’s Rules —Who wants American Pie but with girls? We cured sexism! Yay! Netflix
Assimilate — I liked it better all the times it was Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but this’ll do in a pinch. Netflix
Christmas in the Heartland — No. Peacock
Color Out of Space — When HP Lovecraft meets Nicholas Cage this is what you get. Shudder
Demonic — You wanna the twists? We gotta the twists… also the vet from Schitt’s Creek. Netflix
Devil’s Gate — Demons, no wait, aliens, no wait, murder, no wait… all three? Netflix
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark — Be afraid of this terrible movie. Netflix
Fright Night (1985) — Classic. Amazon Prime
Green Room — Nazis can go to hell. Netflix
Hell House LLC — Speaking of hell, this low budget horror legit gave me nightmares. Amazon Prime
House of 1000 Corpses — Rob Zombie is the Rob Zombie of Rob Zombies. Netflix
House of the Witch — Surprise! It’s actually kind of good. Netflix
Hubie Halloween — Bobby Bouchet but he’s a Halloween or something. I don’t know. Netflix
Incident in a Ghostland — WTF is this terrifying, time jumping, horror and why is HP Lovecraft in it? Amazon Prime
Knives Out — I want to be Benoit Blanc when I grow up. Amazon Prime
Malevolent — I’m not going to lie to you guys, I wasn’t really paying attention. Maybe that says more than I think…. Netflix
Mandy — Nicholas Cage at his Nicholas Cagiest. Shudder
Mayhem — When a building full of business people go crazy, there is only one thing to do: Go crazy with them. Shudder
Murder Mystery — Oh look, old jokes about how terrible marriage is. Also Europe. Netflix
Night of Horror: Nightmare Radio — This film is best described as a noble attempt. Amazon Prime
Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight — There are radioactive, man eating monsters in the woods. What more do you need to know? Netflix
Patchwork — One of the twins from Harry Potter doesn’t really make this weird movie any less weird. Shudder
Schitt’s Creek: Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: I’m not crying, you’re crying. Netflix
Southbound — If Pulp Fiction had an orgy with your four favorite horror movies and one of them got pregnant but no one knew who the father was, this is the baby that would come from that unholy union. Amazon Prime
Spiral — Homophobia is scary. So are devil cults. Shudder
Starfish — WHOA. Shudder
The Babysitter: Killer Queen — You want ridiculous? You want gore? You want this movie. Netflix
The Black Cauldron — Some call it underrated, some call it overrated. I call it interesting late night TV. Disney+
The Black Hole — The last five minutes are nightmare fuel. Everything preceding it? No. Disney+
The Cleansing Hour — The social media age has entered the demon possession genre with a bang. Shudder
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey *(Director’s Cut) — Yes. I love it. I love all of Peter Jackson’s films, unapologetically, unabashedly, and unerringly. BluRay
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Director’s Cut) — Still, though the special effects are cool, the books are better. Yes. I’m that guy. BluRay
The Mortuary Collection — You ever watch a movie that is, like, an hour and a half of strikes and gutters just lobbed at you with no rhyme or reason? I have. Shudder
The Muppet Christmas Carol — Perfect. Disney+
The Nightmare Before Christmas — It’s both a Halloween and a Christmas movie?!?!? Wha-Wha-What? Disney+
The Princess Switch: Switched Again — Now there are three of them! Netflix
The Shed — Are the people the monsters or the vampires? Definitely the vampires. Shudder
The Social Dilemma — Social media will take your babies like dingos in the night. You better damn well be terrified. Netflix
The Vast of Night — We got aliens in the 1950s in the middle of nowhere. Sure, it’s been done before, but not like this. Amazon Prime
Trick ‘R Treat — Perfect. Amazon Prime
Wish Upon — Definitely don’t. Amazon Prime
Would You Rather — Definitely do. Netflix
TV
American Horror Story: 1984 — It’s a slasher movie send up… with ghosts! Netflix
American Horror Story: Apocalypse — It’s the end of the world… with ghosts… and witches! Netflix
American Horror Story: Cult — It’s the eerily prescient Trump Cult one. Too real. Netflix
American Murder: The Family Next Door — Who ordered a… (checks notes) Lost Faith in Humanity? Okay. It has arrived. Netflix
Archer S11 — Like Sterling Archer himself, perfect. Hulu
Cobra Kai S1-S2 — THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER. THE BEST. Netflix
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia S14 — Much like Archer, perfect. Hulu
Justified S1-S6 — You had me at cowboys and you kept me at Timothy Olyphant and Walter Goggins. I will never not love this show. Ever. Shut up. Hulu
Murder in the Heartland S1 — The Heartland is a messed up place. Hulu
Over the Garden Wall — Perfect. Hulu
Parks and Rec S6 — Are you feeling down? Parks & Rec is chicken soup for the soul. I mean, seriously, is there any other reason to have Peacock? Peacock
Psyche S1 — I get it, finally. All it took was a heavy dose of painkiller and nothing else to do. Amazon Prime
Rick and Morty S4 — As a middle aged, nerdy white man I am required to watch this. Hulu
Schitt’s Creek S6 — I’m not crying, you’re crying. Netflix
The Boys S1-S2 — It does justice to the comic while kicking Nazi ass. Amazon Prime
The Haunting of Bly Manor — More subtle than The Haunting of Hill House, but good. Plus, starring Peppa Pig! What?!?! Netflix
The Mandalorian S1-S2 (so far) — Perfect. Disney+
The Unexplained S1 — Want to see William Shatner get sadistic joy out of scaring you? Hulu
The Witching Season S1 — You know what doesn’t get enough praise? Low budget short horror films. BOOM! Amazon Prime
To The Lake S1 — Fact: Russian pandemics are more messed up than American ones. Netflix
Unsolved Mysteries S2 — I still miss Robert Stack. Netflix
Utopia S1 — Too real right now. But hey, this pandemic has comics, so that’s something. Amazon Prime
What We Do In The Shadows S1-S2 — Perfect. Hulu
When Calls the Heart S1-S5 — Perfect. Netflix
X-Files S1-S2 — The truth is right here. Hulu
