Watch Me. Please.

I was in front of the TV

The Recovery Chronicles #9

After surgery, I was trapped for days. I could hardly move. My mind was a cloudy mess. Any serious thinking was out of the question. As I mentioned last week, I couldn’t even read for a bit.

But you know what I could do as long as I was awake? I could watch TV. And watch it, I did, folks, watch it I did. I started at the hospital and I didn’t stop… ever. Every hour staring mindlessly at those pretty moving pictures was a blessing that made me wonder how people survived open heart surgery before there were streaming services…. Anyway, the shows and movies I decided to wile away my hours with may make you think some thoughts about me… that can’t be helped.

So without any further ado…

Here is as complete a list as I could come up with, separated into movie and tv groups and alphabetized for ease of inspection. I also added single sentence reviews and the home of the show or movie if you’re interested…. And, if you’re interested in learning more about what I think of various television shows, check out Teachers Talking TV, the podcast I do with two of my friends and colleague. It’s awesome.

Movies

47 Meters Down: Uncaged — Shark movies scar me, especially this one. I know what I wrote. Amazon Prime

American Pie: Girl’s Rules —Who wants American Pie but with girls? We cured sexism! Yay! Netflix

Assimilate — I liked it better all the times it was Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but this’ll do in a pinch. Netflix

Christmas in the Heartland — No. Peacock

Color Out of Space — When HP Lovecraft meets Nicholas Cage this is what you get. Shudder

Demonic — You wanna the twists? We gotta the twists… also the vet from Schitt’s Creek. Netflix

Devil’s Gate — Demons, no wait, aliens, no wait, murder, no wait… all three? Netflix

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark — Be afraid of this terrible movie. Netflix

Fright Night (1985) — Classic. Amazon Prime

Green Room — Nazis can go to hell. Netflix

Hell House LLC — Speaking of hell, this low budget horror legit gave me nightmares. Amazon Prime

House of 1000 Corpses — Rob Zombie is the Rob Zombie of Rob Zombies. Netflix

House of the Witch — Surprise! It’s actually kind of good. Netflix

Hubie Halloween — Bobby Bouchet but he’s a Halloween or something. I don’t know. Netflix

Incident in a Ghostland — WTF is this terrifying, time jumping, horror and why is HP Lovecraft in it? Amazon Prime

Knives Out — I want to be Benoit Blanc when I grow up. Amazon Prime

Malevolent — I’m not going to lie to you guys, I wasn’t really paying attention. Maybe that says more than I think…. Netflix

Mandy — Nicholas Cage at his Nicholas Cagiest. Shudder

Mayhem — When a building full of business people go crazy, there is only one thing to do: Go crazy with them. Shudder

Murder Mystery — Oh look, old jokes about how terrible marriage is. Also Europe. Netflix

Night of Horror: Nightmare Radio — This film is best described as a noble attempt. Amazon Prime

Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight — There are radioactive, man eating monsters in the woods. What more do you need to know? Netflix

Patchwork — One of the twins from Harry Potter doesn’t really make this weird movie any less weird. Shudder

Schitt’s Creek: Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: I’m not crying, you’re crying. Netflix

Southbound — If Pulp Fiction had an orgy with your four favorite horror movies and one of them got pregnant but no one knew who the father was, this is the baby that would come from that unholy union. Amazon Prime

Spiral — Homophobia is scary. So are devil cults. Shudder

Starfish — WHOA. Shudder

The Babysitter: Killer Queen — You want ridiculous? You want gore? You want this movie. Netflix

The Black Cauldron — Some call it underrated, some call it overrated. I call it interesting late night TV. Disney+

The Black Hole — The last five minutes are nightmare fuel. Everything preceding it? No. Disney+

The Cleansing Hour — The social media age has entered the demon possession genre with a bang. Shudder

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey *(Director’s Cut) — Yes. I love it. I love all of Peter Jackson’s films, unapologetically, unabashedly, and unerringly. BluRay

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Director’s Cut) — Still, though the special effects are cool, the books are better. Yes. I’m that guy. BluRay

The Mortuary Collection — You ever watch a movie that is, like, an hour and a half of strikes and gutters just lobbed at you with no rhyme or reason? I have. Shudder

The Muppet Christmas Carol — Perfect. Disney+

The Nightmare Before Christmas — It’s both a Halloween and a Christmas movie?!?!? Wha-Wha-What? Disney+

The Princess Switch: Switched Again — Now there are three of them! Netflix

The Shed — Are the people the monsters or the vampires? Definitely the vampires. Shudder

The Social Dilemma — Social media will take your babies like dingos in the night. You better damn well be terrified. Netflix

The Vast of Night — We got aliens in the 1950s in the middle of nowhere. Sure, it’s been done before, but not like this. Amazon Prime

Trick ‘R Treat — Perfect. Amazon Prime

Wish Upon — Definitely don’t. Amazon Prime

Would You Rather — Definitely do. Netflix

TV

American Horror Story: 1984 — It’s a slasher movie send up… with ghosts! Netflix

American Horror Story: Apocalypse — It’s the end of the world… with ghosts… and witches! Netflix

American Horror Story: Cult — It’s the eerily prescient Trump Cult one. Too real. Netflix

American Murder: The Family Next Door — Who ordered a… (checks notes) Lost Faith in Humanity? Okay. It has arrived. Netflix

Archer S11 — Like Sterling Archer himself, perfect. Hulu

Cobra Kai S1-S2 — THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER. THE BEST. Netflix

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia S14 — Much like Archer, perfect. Hulu

Justified S1-S6 — You had me at cowboys and you kept me at Timothy Olyphant and Walter Goggins. I will never not love this show. Ever. Shut up. Hulu

Murder in the Heartland S1 — The Heartland is a messed up place. Hulu

Over the Garden Wall — Perfect. Hulu

Parks and Rec S6 — Are you feeling down? Parks & Rec is chicken soup for the soul. I mean, seriously, is there any other reason to have Peacock? Peacock

Psyche S1 — I get it, finally. All it took was a heavy dose of painkiller and nothing else to do. Amazon Prime

Rick and Morty S4 — As a middle aged, nerdy white man I am required to watch this. Hulu

Schitt’s Creek S6 — I’m not crying, you’re crying. Netflix

The Boys S1-S2 — It does justice to the comic while kicking Nazi ass. Amazon Prime

The Haunting of Bly Manor — More subtle than The Haunting of Hill House, but good. Plus, starring Peppa Pig! What?!?! Netflix

The Mandalorian S1-S2 (so far) — Perfect. Disney+

The Unexplained S1 — Want to see William Shatner get sadistic joy out of scaring you? Hulu

The Witching Season S1 — You know what doesn’t get enough praise? Low budget short horror films. BOOM! Amazon Prime

To The Lake S1 — Fact: Russian pandemics are more messed up than American ones. Netflix

Unsolved Mysteries S2 — I still miss Robert Stack. Netflix

Utopia S1 — Too real right now. But hey, this pandemic has comics, so that’s something. Amazon Prime

What We Do In The Shadows S1-S2 — Perfect. Hulu

When Calls the Heart S1-S5 — Perfect. Netflix

X-Files S1-S2 — The truth is right here. Hulu

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AE Stueve

AE Stueve

AE Stueve teaches and writes in Omaha, NE. Check out all of his available work at aestueve.com